She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize