saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
