It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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