Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize