new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
