Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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