This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
