This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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