the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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