My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
