I wannas sexs uuuuu
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
