I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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