MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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