Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
