dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
