It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
