there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
