when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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