I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
