i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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