dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
