Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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