anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
