I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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