Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
