She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Ketchup is God's man juice
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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