Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i think i have two assholes
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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