Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
