Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
