I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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