You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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