her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Randomize