a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
