Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
me + whiskey = a bad person
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