If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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