I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize