i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
