just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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