he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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