he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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