The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
