doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize