I think my fart just growled at me.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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