I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I cut my penus on the lid.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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