So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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