My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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