I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
