The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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