So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
