Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
