totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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