They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
