I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
