Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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