the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
